My Infertility Closet

Interesting Article

This is an interesting article done by USA Today about the face of infertility being younger than it used to be.

http://www.usatoday.com/news/health/story/2012-04-23/infertility-young-women/54482470/1

Finding Myself

Lately I had several people asking me how things are going with the “baby stuff” and where we are at in the journey. If we’ve started the adoption process, if we are still “trying”, etc. It’s been quite a few months since I’ve talked about it, so I thought I would update you.

Basically over the last several months we’ve just taken a step back from this whole thing and started living again. This might sound strange to you, but this has literally consumed my life for the last 4 and half years. I was so obsessed with the thought of bringing another life into this world, I forgot about my own life. I forgot who I was. I forgot that I should be living everyday to the fullest. That I have so much to be thankful for. That I have so much that other people in this world are fighting for. I really had to stop and think about all the people in this world would kill for the things that I have….

-health-do you know how many people today don’t know if they will have a tomorrow, that they’ve been given the news from the doctor that there’s no hope. 

-freedom-there are so many people ALL over the world that hide in fear that they will be killed because of there race, gender or religious belief.

-shelter, food, and a job-in this struggling economy there are so many out there that have lost so much. So many all over the world that are starving, homeless and hopeless. 

There are so many reasons I have to be thankful. It’s so easy to get caught up in the things that I want but can’t have. 

I explained the “baby road” to someone like this the other day. Imagine two main highways. One runs east and one runs west. One highway represents the road for people who want kids, and the other represents people who don’t want kids. The roads run opposite directions. The lives of the people on these roads can be pretty different because with kids your decisions are based on someone else, not yourself. Generally these people live different lives. Neither one is bad, it’s just different. I’ve been on the “baby road” for 4 and half years now, just stalled out and not moving. All these people are racing past me. People that just got on that highway and zooming by waving me with huge smiles on their faces. There are plenty of folks that were on the “no baby” road but accidentally changed directions and find themselves resentfully on the “baby” road, grumbling all the way. And here we sit. Not moving, and it starts to feel like I will be here forever. Basically a few months ago I decided to jump on the “no baby” highway temporarily. It’s not forever, but I just had get out of that rut. I had to take a step back and find myself again.

During these last several months that I’ve been “finding myself” I just let go, started having fun, trying new things and just taking advantage of my life now. I’ve started some new hobbies. I started sewing a few months ago, and I LOVE it. My mom has been teaching me (as she is an expert, but probably wouldn’t admit it if you asked her). I even started an etsy store to sell some of my stuff

http://www.etsy.com/shop/cobblehillcreations

I started a new job a few months ago that I’m really enjoying. I’ve also been working as a photographer’s assistant alot this summer with an AMAZING photographer here in Dallas. I’m learning alot and having alot of fun doing it. My husband and I spend all our time together. We are taking advantage of this time. We can sleep in till whatever time we want, we can spontaneously go to a movie, and we recognize that would change in the future when kids are involved.

So to sum it all up, I’m doing great. I’m learning to live again. Like I said earlier, I will go back to the “baby” highway again. But after 4 and a half years I really lost  who I was, and now that I’ve found myself again I’m having fun, loving life, and am so thankful for everything I do have. Occasionally I do have bad days (don’t we all??) but even though I never wanted this “infertility thing” to define who I was, it does define us. But it’s my choice on whether it’s defined me into a bitter person (which is definitely where I’ve been for several years) or I can take this and try to make the best of it. I can’t say it’s always easy. For instance, the other day I got my hair cut. The stylist asked me if I was married. I said yes. She asked me how long I’d been married. I said almost 8 years. She said, wow! Congratulations. How many kids do you guys have? My response was “oh, no kids yet”. She preceded to go on for 15 minutes about why I should have kids and how they are the greatest gift anyone could ever have. I have two choices-stop her and tell her my story and make her feel bad, OR bite my lip and try to ignore her entriely. This is a frequent occurance. What do I say? What should I say? Not to mention….gee, this is making me feel terrible. Thanks lady! I really don’t need more reasons to know why kids are so great. These are the times I’m trying to rise above it, and even though these things can get me down, I’m trying not to let it.

So wherever you are in life today, I encourage you to take a step back and just think about all the people in the world that would give EVERYTHING to be in your shoes today.

-Do you have a home?-cause there are millions, probably billions out there at this very second that would love your, “messy”, “old crap” that you don’t like anymore, and just isn’t good enough.

-Are you healthy?-There are ton’s of people today that got the “bad news” from their doctor, there are people who lost loved ones today. Be thankful for the “not perfect” body that you have, and the fact that you can face today without worry.

-Do you have kids?-there are millions of couples around the world struggling to have children that would do anything just to have one. Go kiss your kids and tell them that you love them. 

Regardless of our current struggles in life, we all have so much to be thankful for. I love you! And am thankful for your support through this journey :)

Your friend,

Tara

In every season

So it’s been a while since we’ve decided to move past this baby thing. During the time we’ve made this decision our lives have been pretty busy and there have been alot of exciting things so it’s been a good distraction for me. We went on a big trip, and I quit my job. There are still days when the baby thing is hard. Especially since it seems like we live in the capital for pregnant women! But I have this peace and excitement for what is next. Knowing that we are going to adopt really excites me. 

A few weeks ago we went to Kenya. I knew it was going to be an incredible trip but I didn’t realize how much it would impact me. For the last 4 years we’ve been trying to have a baby, and as the months have gone on and no pregnancy, I’ve grown bitter, I’ve been depressed, feeling sorry for myself and why me? Then I get to Africa….For several days we were in the slums of Mathare Valley. This is a slum of approximately 800,000 people. These beautiful people have nothing. We spent most of our time in a school there which had about 80 kids ranging from 3-15. There was no electricity, they sit in the dark. No running water, they wash their hands in a bucket of cold water. No toilets….it’s a hole in the ground. Smells I can’t begin to describe. One day we went into Mathare and were invited to visit two homes of some of the children that attend the school. We went into these 10x10 tin shacks. The walls were made of old card board and mud. The roof was tin. One small light bulb in the ceiling with wires hanging out and it would flicker the whole time we sat there. We sat there as these precious women began to tell us about their lives. As they spoke and told us how their body is filled with sickness, how they can’t afford their rent of $10 a month, they are thankful for the things they do have and how God is so good. I think I still have teeth marks in my lip from biting it so hard forcing myself not to cry. I felt so much guilt…all I had and I still sit in bitterness. As we walked to the next home we walked through mounds of rotting trash and human feces everywhere. There are no toilets or running water in any of these homes after all. The city has put in public toilets but they cost money to use. How is a family of 7 that can’t pay their rent of $10 going to afford to pay to use a toilet? That’s why the feces are all over the streets. They next home we went to was the same size of the last one. One small bed and a few chairs. This woman has 3 children. Her sister was beaten to death by her husband so this woman has taken in her sisters 5 children as well. She also has another sister that stays with her. So that is a total of 10 people that stay in this little house.

There is so much more that I can say….going on and on for hours of everything I saw that hit me hard. But, the main thing that hit me in regards to our infertility struggle is that I really have so much to be thankful for. My eyes began to open and look around past my own pity party. I may not be able to get pregnant and give birth to a child that came from my husband and I, but I realized, that’s not what makes you a parent. Yes, that makes you a mother, but one dictionary defines being a parent as “one who brings up and cares for another”. There are so many, so many children in the world that don’t have parents. Not someone that cares for them, and loves them, and helps them with school work, and encourages them, and hugs them. These women in Mathare really reminded me what matters and what doesn’t. Really reminded me all I have, and that I really have no reason at all to be bitter. They have taken in the orphans without having space or money to do so. This woman took in 5 children into her home, when she already had 3. No space, no money. You help the hurting, care for the orphans, and be a parent even when it’s not easy. Even though we were already planning on adopting, it just really gave me an urgency and an excitement about adoption. There are approximately 143 million orphans in the world. Children are sold into sex slavery, and are exploited every day. There are so many hurting and in need all around us. So I may not bear the stretch marks of carrying a child, or experience the pain of labor (which that part I’m totally not going to miss-not the stretch marks either!) but we will be parents. All around the world, including in our own zip codes, are children that need homes. Orphans that need care and people in need. People like these mothers in Matahre Valley that love their children and want to provide for them. By helping build training centers there, these women can come in and learn skills that can help them to make money, we can help give them their dignity back. There is so much we all can be doing to help make a difference.

During our trip to Africa (it’s a heck of a long flight) I had a lot of time to read and listen to music on the flights. I had some newer music on my ipod that I hadn’t really listened to much. I had a new Hillsong album (well, new to me at least-apparently it’s a few years old!) and started to listen to it. The first song I had heard a few times before but I never really listened to the words before. As I hit replay several dozen times on the song it really became my anthem. The words pierced through me and I just had this renewing feeling come over me.  As I look forward to the future, I know these steps I’ve walked were necessary to get me to the place I’m in today, but as I let go of what is and is to come I trust in the God that provides and know that “All of my life, in every season, you are still God, I have a reason to sing, I have a reason to worship”.

These are the lyrics:

The Desert Song Lyrics

Letting go

The time has come in our journey to move on. This road of infertility has been long, and very difficult. Frankly, I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t go through the agony of hoping and defeat anymore. This has been a process we’ve been working through, knowing that at some point we would have to make a choice. Every couple that goes through this journey has to make decisions of what to do next. Whether or not to pursue painful and expensive infertility treatments in hopes that they just might have that pregnancy they’ve been longing for. To live childless and figure out how to deal with all the emotions of how on earth can we do this? Or to travel the also expensive road of adoption. These are difficult decisions for every couple. For us, we know we want to adopt. We just thought we would have a biological child and adopt.

Over the past several months I have crossed path’s with dozens of adoptive families. Most of them by chance, but it’s really been an eye opening experience for me. I’ve already learned so much about the joy’s of adoption. The more books I read and people I talk to I’ve just come to place of peace. I have this overwhelming peace in my heart that I just feel like I need to let go of the dreams I’ve had in the past, and there is something great ahead for Alex and I. In the past month’s as we discussed together about the future, and what is next for us, we decided to set a date and if nothing had happened by that point, we would move on.

It’s been a few months of ups and downs. A time to deal with the reality of this situation. The reality of, ok, this is my life….what am I going to do with it? How long am I going to hold back at living life waiting for this to happen. I feel like I’ve come to a good place. In deciding that it is time to let go, I surprisingly feel like a happiness has come back to me. I have excitement about life again, I feel good. 

Alex and I have decided to just follow our dreams and not let the fact that some things haven’t happened the way we’ve wanted them to, hold us back from pursuing things in life. A year and half ago we decided to make the move from Florida to Texas. Not knowing why, or what was in store. We just felt like the time was right to leave Florida. It was a great decision. Sometimes it’s just taking that first step out of your comfort zone, that brings so many great things. I have been working part time at a retail store for the medical benefits since we moved here to Dallas. Mainly of course, for the maternity coverage. All the sudden a year and half has passed that I’ve been working there. In letting go of our “baby dream” we decided that I would quit my job. We applied and got health insurance on our own, which of course doesn’t have maternity coverage (for the most part any medical insurance plan you get outside of an employer doesn’t have maternity, unless you add really expensive rider’s onto it). So as of May 1st, Alex and I are on our own medical plan, and ready to dream big. Alex does web and graphic design freelance. I will be helping him with some aspects as well as working on my photography. Pursing dreams.

So, as we look forward we are excited about our future. We are going to Kenya for a missions trip in a little over a week. I’m so incredibly excited about it. I’m so excited about the future. I’m so excited to adopt one day. I’m truly in a happy place. This journey has been so long and so difficult. It doesn’t end here, it continues, we can see a curve ahead in the road. 

This week is national infertility week. A time to spread awareness of the agony, the loneliness and pain this brings so many couples. I have so much respect for so many couples out there that are dealing with infertility. There are so many couples traveling down this road privately, quietly and alone. So many women that can’t share this with friends, as all her friends are pregnant or have little ones and she doesn’t want to take away from there happiness by sharing her sadness. The woman that just had her 6th miscarriage and has to go to baby shower for her closest friend. As she manages to bring herself to the newborn section of the store and pick something out for her friend, she cries all the way to the shower only to get there and have all these people say to her, how come you guys don’t have a baby already? It’s the best gift in the world! There is no better feeling! You guys should do it already! There are so many people out there struggling with this. Chances are there are people all around you dealing with this and you don’t even know it. 

I want to say thank you and I’m sorry. Thank you to everyone that has supported us along the way. I understand that alot of people don’t understand the emotions that we feel,  but you’ve been there to just say we love you, I’m praying for you. That means so much to me. So thank you. Also, I want to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry to any of my pregnant or mommy friends that feel like this has made our relationship awkward. I would never want to take away from your happiness, and I’m truly sorry if I’ve ever made you feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately infertility tends to do that. Just know that I do love you and would never intentionally hurt you. I’ve just been hurt and sometimes don’t know how to deal with it. Sometimes I just can’t bring myself to go to your facebook page or whatever. I’m working on it!

Reality check

What a week this has been. I’ve been forced to accept the reality of this situation in a whole new way. I’ve had some pretty low lows, but the funny thing is the week started and I was feeling great. Let me start with the beginning of the week first.

For the past couple months we’ve really been talking about coming to terms with this situation. If we would have got pregnant when we first started trying we would be celebrating our 3 year old child’s birthday this month. In a few months it will be four years that we’ve been trying to have a baby. This has been agony to say the least. It’s so hard to watch everyone around you having babies and wondering….will I every have that? I don’t think God enjoys watching us suffer. I think God has a plan for each of us and we all have different purposes in life. Sometimes we have to go through certain things to realize a different outcome was in front of us that whole time, but we had to go through it to see it and truly want it and appreciate it. I’ve always dreamed of being a mom for as long as I can remember, so to come to terms with not being able to have a biological child is a hard thing to accept.  But somehow my heart has begun to accept it, and really want to adopt. I’ve been reading books on stories of adoption. I finished reading “From ashes to Africa” by Josh and Amy Bottomly. We met them at the ic:// orphan conference back in February. This book spoke to me so much. They describe the pain of infertility in their lives and the agonizing journey that was. Then they go on to explain their adoption process of a little boy from Ethiopia. I cried at almost every chapter. This book spoke so deeply to me and I just had a sense when I put it down that, this would be my story one day. I almost felt like my life is a big giant puzzle and I’ve had this piece in my hand for so long and I’ve been trying to put it in the wrong way and it just isn’t fitting. Then when I flipped it around….it fits. It clicked in me….adoption is my missing puzzle piece.

For a the last 7 years Alex and I have been married I’ve often had dreams of us being in the hosptial and I’m giving birth, or me giving him the happy news that I’m pregnant. I have had these dreams many, many times. This is what I’ve always wanted and I just couldn’t wait to have a baby. This past sunday night, my dream changed. I had a dream sunday night that I was at an orphange. A woman sat me down and told me to wait there. She left and came back a few minutes later with this beautiful little girl just learning to walk. In the dream I remember her big brown eyes and curly hair, she looked up at me and reached up for me to pick her up. Since this was a dream some of it is kind of fuzzy, but this part I do remember clearly. I realize this probably isn’t how the the scenario works out in real life. Any video’s I’ve watched of the “meeting” the child is screaming when they are put into their adoptive parents arms. It takes time to get used to each other. But either way, when I woke up monday morning I thought to myself, wow, this is really amazing, my heart is changing, my dreams really are becoming adoption. 

Alex and I know we want to adopt, but we are still working through our feelings of grieving the loss of the biological child we may never have. We are coming to the acceptance of it. But, it’s a process and we need to be completely ok with that before we start the adoption process.

Then, the next day I got some happy but difficult news. The pregnancy announcements have moved to my family. I’m the oldest child, and the oldest grandchild. I thought for sure I would be the first “one”. I thought my child would be the first great grandchild. Well, it’s just not the case anymore ( and no my sisters aren’t expecting). Even though this is happy news for our family, I’m not going to lie….it was hard news for me. A reminder of the reality of this situation in a whole new way. It’s been a few days of working through it, accepting it, and being ok with it. I surprisingly woke up this morning feeling happy, content and knowing that I will celebrate one day too. I’m so excited about the day we adopt. As we begin this new journey I know there will be some difficult days, but we are working on it and learning there is joy on the other side of this for us. 

One of my favorite country songs is by Trace Adkins, it’s called “miss this”. I heard it on the radio the other day when I was having a really hard day. The chorus says

You’re gonna miss this
You’re gonna want this back
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you’re gonna miss this

Now, I may not miss the days of this infertility journey, BUT, I have an awesome husband that is my best friend, and we have the world in front of us. It just reminded me that we should take this time we have, before diapers, and no sleep, and finding a babysitter, we should enjoy this time, we can travel, go to the movies, or whatever at the drop of a hat. That day will come for us, but for now….just enjoy it.

What if?

It’s been a few weeks since my last post. The last few weeks have kind of been a blur of ups and downs. I kind of haven’t had the strength to post anything. I find myself contemplating deleting my facebook account just so I don’t have to deal with looking at pregnancy announcements and new baby pictures. I’m really happy for each person, but every time I have a good thought, a bad thought follows of…what if I never have that moment? In the last few weeks I’ve found myself thinking a lot differently than I have in the past. You might call it giving up hope, but I’m looking at it more like facing the reality of this situation, and what we will choose to do. There have been a lot of deep conversations between Alex and I about our future and how we are ready to not let this devastation in life hold us back from our potential. I’m starting to look at this “infertility” headline of our lives as  a test. We have two choices, 1- stay in this monthly battle of hope and defeat for the rest of our lives, not being able to congratulate people in person in fears I might have a melt down. Taking purposeful detours through Target to avoid walking by the baby clothes for the next ten years? Not allowing ourselves to face the reality of our situation. Or 2- picking a date, and beginning to move on with our lives. Begin to grieve this child we may never have that looks and acts like us that came from us. Learning to be truly happy for others and being ok with the fact that we may never have biological children.  

A lot of what ifs have been going through my mind:

-What if we never have biological children?

-What if we never have to get more than a table for two?

-What if I never get to experience being pregnant, will I always resent other pregnant women?

-What if I try to continue in this monthly battle, how long can I last before completely falling apart?

-What if we adopt and it’s more than I could have dreamed of?

-What if I begin to let go of having a baby grow inside of me and trust that God has better things in store than I could ever try to create for my life?

-What if this is a test in my life….am I failing? 

-What if God has given me the desire to have children and the desire to help people in need and I’m now just realizing how those pieces fit into a heart for adoption?

-What if….what if….what if?????

There are so many what ifs in life and we pick and choose which roads we go down. I’m so blessed to have such a wonderful husband. It’s amazing how our hearts are the same, how we always have each other’s back, we are always the others number one supporter. We travel this journey together and make these decisions together. As we begin to talk about our future we are having those hard conversations, the ones about when we should move on and stop living just to have a baby, and just start living our dreams. You might say, what do you mean, living just to have a baby? Well if you aren’t in the process of trying to have a baby you may have forgotten or maybe don’t realize the planning that has to go into this. We are only ever thinking 9 months ahead. For some of you there wasn’t a long time frame from the time you and your spouse decided you were going to try and you saw the positive sign on the pregnancy test. For us we are approaching a 4 year mark from that time. If it would have happened for us when we made that decision, we would be celebrating our child’s 3rd birthday next month. So there has been alot of time of waiting and planning, but at some point we need to stop the baby planning and move on. We know we want to adopt and regardless of what life brings us, that will be part of our story one day. But we need to deal with the now in our lives before we try to skip to the next step. 

This post might seem depressing to you, but it’s actually kind of exciting. We are forcing ourselves to look past the next nine months but look forward to the next decade….we don’t want to have regrets. I think after this many years of dealing with this, together we are stronger and ready to move forward in life together….I think that is a good place to be. 

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did to. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”- Mark Twain